Questions

One of the most frustrating and unnerving things about feelings is sometimes not knowing were they come from. This past week I have been feeling melacholic and I don't really know why. Things are going ok in my life. I have a good job, nice family life, good health (not counting my back), my trip to the states is only 80 days away and there can't be any love-trouble because I'm not in-love or in a relationship. And I don't want to be either. Not before I leave. And maybe the in-love bit is only half true. That new guy at my work is really cute and nice. But I'm not in-love. I like him, sure, but not every 'like' means that you want a relationship with the guy, right. And besides, he has a girlfriend. Has had her for the last 3 and a half years. I have put myself in such a crapy situation with Mcdreamy before and I'm not going to do that to myself again.
So, if I have everything I need and I'm only missing the love part which I don't even want right now, what can the problem be?

Maybe I'm just exhausted. I mean, I have been working a lot the last couple of months, even with pain in my back and I haven't been sleeping much because of the pain in my back. Haven't slept more than 5 hours a night for the past 2 weeks. Maybe I should take it a bit more slow. But for some reason that's really hard for me. If I'm not working I always think of other little projects to work on. I can't just sit still or stay in bed all day or in front of the television. I used to be able to do that, but not anymore. Maybe people are right when they call me a workaholic. But I get full fillment out of my work and my days. Ok, I'm sure I could do more, a lot more than I'm doing now, but I like my work right now. I have my independece at work, they trust me to get my work done and more and to do it well at that.

Maybe it's worries for the future. The school hasn't contacted me yet to say they got my application in, and I'm not completly sure I'll have enough money in America (there's always that nagging worry about that) and I'm not sure I'll even be coming back here. I think I will, but like they say, home is where the heart is. And for as long as I can remember I have felt a connection with the US and for the past 2 years it's been all I can think of. The problem is, it's easy for me to imagine a life for me over there, just that has to do with singing and acting and if that is what I really want, I'll have to live there. But it's also easy for me to imagine a life for me over here , in the land I grew up in, where my friends and (part of) my family are. Just would I make a live for myself here it would be so much different than the life I want in America. Or want, I don't know which I want more. My own little practise in interior design, or a hollywood career. I know that the first option is easier. But I'm not one for taking the easy way out. Never have been and never will be.
Maybe I should do an audition for something when in California. The chances of getting in on a first try are slim and that will give me more of an insight. See if that's really what I want. Going from audition to audition in the hopes of ever landing a part. Untill eventually you do.

It's easy really. I work now to save money, I go to America, I do one or something auditions and have fun. If rejected I can see how I feel after that, if I do get a part I take the job and stay in the US. I love singing and I love acting and believe me, Holland is not a place to stay if you want to do anything with that kind of talent. Yes, you read that well, I have talent for acting and singing. No arrogance intented ofcourse. But it's good to know your own strengths and weaknesses. My voice is one of my strong points. One of my weaknesses is my shyness. But even when you're shy you could make it as an actrise. A good example of that is Alexis Bledel. She plays Rory Gilmore in Gilmore Girls. And besides, I've acted and sang in school productions before and as soon as I'm on stage I lose myself in my role or the music and all the shyness is gone. Well, not all, but most of it.

I guess I figured out my problem. Only time will give me the answer to my quistions and I'm just to damn impatient!