dreaming of the past in the present

I was not sure if I wanted to post this or not. Because this can be read by the person concerning as well. But I need to get this off my chest and a way for me to do that is by writting about it. I mean, this blog is meant as my diary, so why not.

About right after I split up with my ex-boyfriend B. I started with the shit around Mcdreamy. I never really took the time to really get over B. I just pressed my feelings with the new feelings for Mcdreamy. This could also be why I hung onto it for so long. I need to have the dreams about him, because love can only be overcome by love. B. was a great guy. A boy you could build on and depend on. Someone who will treat you with tenderness and respect. But he wasn't a man as I needed one. He was a boy. He never really took charge or talked back and that was what I needed and it still is what I need. I need someone who loves me but is not to afraid to handle me with a little less care. He was just a little to sweet and to closed off from his own feelings to ever really get mine and see that I needed him to be more assertive in our relationship.

Still I was with him for more than 2 and a half years. 2 and a half very happy years, but also frustrating ones.

Sunday we started putting up the christmas decoration here in house. I came across B.'s stocking with his name on it that for 2 years long had hung by our chimney with care. I felt miserable. I started looking back on what we had and found that I missed it. I cast those thoughts away right after though.

But at night the dreams come and come morning I always remeber the ones I want to forget. My dream that night was ofcourse about B. and about us getting back together. It was still a working progress in that dream though.

Last night I had another dream. B. and I had slept together and were going to get back together. I was happy about it at first eventhough (sorry) the sex wasn't that great. It was again to sweet. But in the same dream I started thinking about the things B. lacked that I needed in a man and felt miserable yet again. I had slept with him, he was overjoyed by it and I was having second thoughts. I had a big knot in my stomach when I woke up this morning. I just feel really confused by it all. Why all of the sudden have these dreams and mixed feelings again. It was like the end of our relationship again. The confusion and not knowing exactly what I want. It has been over for more than 5 months now, so how come I have these feelings now and not before.

I decided not to think about it to much, which is really hard for me to do and I kept myself busy decoration my own room. I haven't really had a christmas feeling yet this year and hoped that decorating my room and listening to Mariah Carey's christmas cd would help. Then I heard the song 'Miss you most' :


"I miss you,
Most at christmas time,
And I can't get you,
Get you off my mind,
Every other season comes along and I'm alright,
But then I miss you most at christmas time."


That could be it. You always miss people more come christmas. Its that time of year that you look back on your past year and you always find something you miss. Maybe it's a bit of fear in me, fear of being alone with the holidays (eventhough I'm a very independant person). Maybe it's regret of letting him go. Or maybe it's just processing and giving everything a place. And then again, maybe it's missing the feeling of being loved and needed. And thats a feeling everyone needs. Especially when you've been over-working yourself and the holidays are nearing.

I don't know what these dreams mean and why I'm having them. I didn't think I still had anything from my past relationship to process. But then again, I never really gave myself time to process. I went from B. to Mcdreamy and now that the Mcdreamy situation is sorted I don't have anything or anyone else to focuss on and thats when you're feelings take over.

Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again. When my only worry was how many gifts I was going to get under the tree and if one of those gifts would be a new Barbie. When the only people I knew to love were my family and when guys weren't a issue yet. When my thoughts and feelings were still simple and uncomplicated. When live was still easy and mama and papa were the ones who could and would fix your problems.

But there's no going back to those times. All I can do now is keep myself busy till the next guy comes along for the next heartbreak. So off to the Mexx I am to buy cloths! Best therapy in the world.