Questions

One of the most frustrating and unnerving things about feelings is sometimes not knowing were they come from. This past week I have been feeling melacholic and I don't really know why. Things are going ok in my life. I have a good job, nice family life, good health (not counting my back), my trip to the states is only 80 days away and there can't be any love-trouble because I'm not in-love or in a relationship. And I don't want to be either. Not before I leave. And maybe the in-love bit is only half true. That new guy at my work is really cute and nice. But I'm not in-love. I like him, sure, but not every 'like' means that you want a relationship with the guy, right. And besides, he has a girlfriend. Has had her for the last 3 and a half years. I have put myself in such a crapy situation with Mcdreamy before and I'm not going to do that to myself again.
So, if I have everything I need and I'm only missing the love part which I don't even want right now, what can the problem be?

Maybe I'm just exhausted. I mean, I have been working a lot the last couple of months, even with pain in my back and I haven't been sleeping much because of the pain in my back. Haven't slept more than 5 hours a night for the past 2 weeks. Maybe I should take it a bit more slow. But for some reason that's really hard for me. If I'm not working I always think of other little projects to work on. I can't just sit still or stay in bed all day or in front of the television. I used to be able to do that, but not anymore. Maybe people are right when they call me a workaholic. But I get full fillment out of my work and my days. Ok, I'm sure I could do more, a lot more than I'm doing now, but I like my work right now. I have my independece at work, they trust me to get my work done and more and to do it well at that.

Maybe it's worries for the future. The school hasn't contacted me yet to say they got my application in, and I'm not completly sure I'll have enough money in America (there's always that nagging worry about that) and I'm not sure I'll even be coming back here. I think I will, but like they say, home is where the heart is. And for as long as I can remember I have felt a connection with the US and for the past 2 years it's been all I can think of. The problem is, it's easy for me to imagine a life for me over there, just that has to do with singing and acting and if that is what I really want, I'll have to live there. But it's also easy for me to imagine a life for me over here , in the land I grew up in, where my friends and (part of) my family are. Just would I make a live for myself here it would be so much different than the life I want in America. Or want, I don't know which I want more. My own little practise in interior design, or a hollywood career. I know that the first option is easier. But I'm not one for taking the easy way out. Never have been and never will be.
Maybe I should do an audition for something when in California. The chances of getting in on a first try are slim and that will give me more of an insight. See if that's really what I want. Going from audition to audition in the hopes of ever landing a part. Untill eventually you do.

It's easy really. I work now to save money, I go to America, I do one or something auditions and have fun. If rejected I can see how I feel after that, if I do get a part I take the job and stay in the US. I love singing and I love acting and believe me, Holland is not a place to stay if you want to do anything with that kind of talent. Yes, you read that well, I have talent for acting and singing. No arrogance intented ofcourse. But it's good to know your own strengths and weaknesses. My voice is one of my strong points. One of my weaknesses is my shyness. But even when you're shy you could make it as an actrise. A good example of that is Alexis Bledel. She plays Rory Gilmore in Gilmore Girls. And besides, I've acted and sang in school productions before and as soon as I'm on stage I lose myself in my role or the music and all the shyness is gone. Well, not all, but most of it.

I guess I figured out my problem. Only time will give me the answer to my quistions and I'm just to damn impatient!

Christmas

So, that was this year's christmas. Gone before you know it. And here in Holland we're lucky to have 2 days of christmas. But if you've worked as much as I have the last days before christmas you don't really realize that christmas is there. But it were fun filled days though. With lots of food, family and laughs.
On the first christmas day we had our christmas brunch with the whole family (wich arn't that much people) and we had lots of food. We got up on the ungodly hour of 7 am and unpacked our presents, then we cleaned up and the aunts and uncles and cousins arrived around 11 am. They left around 14.30 and then we put in a movie (pirates of the caribean: deadsman's chest). My father fell asleep during the movie and the rest of us just sat there and watched. All we had the energy to do at that moment. And later we had a lovely christmas diner with turkey and everything. Then my granddad from Utah called and we got to wish eachother a merry christmas. He sounded lonely though. Wish I could have been there with him or that he was here. But he did tell me that when I'm there he's going to set me up for ski or snowboarding lessons. Personaly I like the snowboard eventhough I've never done it before and am probably going to fall more than I stand. But it will be great, always wanted to do that!

Second christmas day I was going to go sporting with a friend of mine but we desided not to seeing as in the workout started at 10 o'clock and sleeping in was a nicer option. Then my mom, my dad my sisters and Charlie's boyfriend and I went to my grandfathers grave. Then we went to Soest Duinen. It's a big sand field in the middle of the woods nearby. We took the dog who got to run around and be wild and free. As could my little sister. My older sister, Charlie, had already left with her boyfriend for her boyfriends house. They spend the second christmas day with his family. Was glad that Mark was there for christmas though. Gave us all a chance to really get to know him. And I wouldn't mind if Charlie holds on to this guy. Eventhough he looks rough and Goth, he is a really sweet and even shy boy. Or boy, I could better say man seeing as in he is 28 already.
After we got back from Soest Duinen we went home and played a game of Rummy. Then there was another big christmas diner and we all were deadbeat by the end of the day so we turned in early. At least I tried to. My back hurt like hell and made it impossible for me to get a good nights sleep. But I'll survive.

Today was yet another day in the store. It was less busy then I had expected it to be. Especially after Sunday, It was veeeerrrryyy bussy then. It was even more crowded than with the connect-evening. And we only had 6 people working that day. Today we had 11 people and so I could get some work done in the storage room. I wasn't needed in the store. Thankgod for that, I was way to tierd today and my back hurt like hell. That's why my plans for this evening are actually stupid. I'm going to shoot some pool with some friends of mine and drink a couple of glasses of wine so it works as a painkiller for my back, haha.

Speaking of wich, I'm almost to late, again...

Insomnia

Insomnia

Tossing and turning
While lying awake
The thoughts in my mind
Are more than I can take

Going over and over
The day that has been
The feelings I had
And the things I have seen

Pondering and worrying
What the new day shall bring
Even I don't know the tune
To the song my heart will sing

Darker and stiller
My room will grow
The clock keeps ticking
This much I know

Minutes and hours
Will pass me by
Although my body tired
My mind will not subside

Nearer and Nearer
The morning will be
The lateness of the hour
Is all the eye can see

Then finally, at last
The sleep will overcome
My mind still a juggle
But my body to numb

Restless and unnerving
Will be my nightly dreams
Thinking to much
Can be hazardous it seems

Acceptance and patience
Is what I must find
To get some sleep at night
And my own peace of mind


Those who can't do, write about it, right! I mean, seriously. I only slept 3 hours last night. Love the painkillers for taken the edge off of my pain in my back, but hate them for the insomnia they bring. But even without the painkillers I couldn't be able to sleep because of the pain. I chose for the lesser of two evils.
At least the exercises the MT told me to do work a bit and my back has loosened up a bit. And work was ok as well. Laughter is the best medicine and I laughed a lot today! Fingers crossed tomorrow will be just as good, if not better!

optimistic me

So, went to Manual Therapy today, wich I will refere to as MT from now on. They wont touch me! Can you believe it. You drag yourself over there in the hope to be rid of the pain soon and they say they wont touch you out of fear of making it worse. But they did give me a couple of excersises I need to do to losen up my back, at least try to, and then they can determen where the pain started better. All I can do is hope this isn't going to be a very long process. Exept ofcourse for the fact that one of the attendant there is really cute. I was a half hour to early today and sat in the waitingroom when he can, a blond young man about 25 years old, to get one of his patients. I was reading a magazine but something made me look up just as he was looking at me. I couldn't do anything but keep looking at him and he had the same. As he walked down the hall he looked back 4 times, I counted. Weird how chemistry can be there with a complete stranger. A really gorgeous stranger though, hihi.

Anyways, I got the advice to take it easy and come back friday morning at 8 o'clock. Yes, way early. I'm not a morning person at all, Owh well. I'm going back to work tomorrow though. I called my manager and said I would be but that I probable needed to sit a lot in between. I need to do something though. I'm not one for just sitting home. Lord knows I will never be a housewife!

And I've decided to stay optimistic. I mean, it could have been worse. And the bright side is the cute Therapist and that at least I didn't take time of work for something that could be helped within one afternoon. It wasn't useless and unnecessary. And I got to sleep in 3 days in a row. And that after not having slept in for almost a year feels magical. And besides, it's no use feeling sorry for yourself because you haven't had a single moment without pain for the last week. There are other people who've had that for a lot longer and will have it for a much longer time to come. And thinking positive also keeps you going, keeps your spirits up and that's what I'll really need these next two weeks to come when it will be madness at work and I can't escape to the storage like I always do. I will be working on the floor full-time now. being the sales-lady that I am. I mean, I've already proven once that I'm a great sales-lady, so now I have a chance to remind them of that. And it will give me the hard needed change in my routine. Give me a new challenge. Staying bright and smiling and selling as much as possible while in pain. Love a challenge. And I can right away use it as acting lessons. haven't had them in a while. But that's ok. With no intension of sounding arrogant, I've got talent for acting. So all I have to do is act like someone who's really bright and happy and without any pain what so ever and I could just fool anyone. As long as I don't forget my trusty painkillers. I found them helping today. As long as I don't wait for the first one to stop working before taking the second and so on. And I do need the extra paracetamol (sort asprine) next to it though. I just always get into these weird moods because of painkillers. Sometimes they make me all woozy and out of focus and the other time they make me all hyper and I think everything is funny. Lets hope that the last option will be the case tomorrow and the next days to come. I just need to find something against the nausea that I get from the damned painkillers and I'll be just fine. In any case fine enough haha.

Well better get to bed then. If I really want this plan to work I need to start by getting a good nights sleep. Hope that part works seeing as in I haven't slept well for the last week. But I've taking enough painkillers today to knock me out cold, I hope!

insight

Well, at least these painkillers help a bit. But a bit is all it is. Eventhough that already makes a big difference. Have my therapy in an hour. Wonder if it will make the pain go away right away or that it gets worse first. I hope the pain goes away right away. I mean, I want to work again tomorrow, so it'd better go away because of the therapy. But it might take a couple of sessions before it makes a difference. I'll know soon enough.

I must say, that these free days do help though. Got my head cleared a bit as well. This with my back forced me to take it easy and that was what I needed. I mean I even stayed home on a saterdaynight haha. I needed that.

I'll call my work after the session and then I can tell them I'll try working tomorrow. Eventhough it's against the doctors advice. If it doesn't work out, I'll go home again or only work half days or something. My managers ca't do anything but exept that. I mean, they made it clear they doen't want me to go, so they won't fire me. And they told me themselves to take it easy and listen to my body, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. No more workaholic mode for me. It's killing me haha.

Well, gotta get going. Here goes nothing!

the pain goes on

So, a week after I started writting about the pain in my back and it hasn't gotten any better. It's actually gotten worse. I can't talk, stand, sit or lie down without being in pain. I haven't even found one single position that gives me less to no pain. And that after a week!!! Saterday, I left my work crying from pain. I haven't cried of pain in somewhat 6 years. I hate crying.

I went to the md's post in the hostpital Saterdya afternoon to hear that my back was in a lock. I need manual therapy and need to keep my back warm. To take the edge of my pain I need to take about 1200 mg of painkillers a day! And they don't even help one bit. So I went back to the doctor today. She gave me the same advice but then with different painkillers. These help for about an half an hour.

But I took my managers advice to start thinking about myself and taking care of myself. So I called in sick today as well. And then they go and guilt trip you about it. Well, That's managers for ya. First they act concerned, and they are. As long as it doesn't bother them one bit. And this does. Me not coming in to work today was a big problem for them and I know it is. But today was only a half a day and a pretty quiet day at that. So if they would think on it for more than one second they would realize that it's better that I take this extra day, with my standard free tuesday to rest my back so I can do my work when I get back on wensday, instead of coming in today and ruining my back and not being able to come in for weeks to come. And for heavens sake, It's there own freaking advice that I listen to my body better. Definatly going to talk to them about that.

Well, tomorrow my first manual therapy sesion begins. What I have understood of it is that they are going to massage my back in the hope to losen it up. I just want to get rid of this pain. It's kept me up for to many nights in a row. I'm dead tierd.

And then there's my finger. My middle finger on my right hand hurts as well. I thought it was just bruised but the doctor thinks it's my muscle that's worn out and that to needs rest. I'm actually not aloud to work at all for a while form the doctor, but like I said, it's to busy at my work. And after these 2 most busy weeks of the year I can take the rest I need. And with the therapy in between, maybe a couple of times a week, I don't see how it could get worse. Maybe it will even get better haha.

I just want to get rid of this pain. I'm not one for sitting still and waisting days on doing nothing. But yesterday and today I had to. Just sitting hurts like hell so I can't even go for a walk or anything.

Can't believe I left my work crying saterday though. There's this new guy at work, Yes aa guy at my work in a clothingstore, and he's straight too! But he is nice, maybe a bit to nice and he's seen me at my worst this week. What a good impression I've made. Just met him and already he's seen me cry. Not good. I don't people thinking I'm weak. That would be a misconception and I hate misconceptions. Not because I'm interested in this guy as a boyfriend, but I do need to work with him for a couple more months and I don't like it when people I know, or will get to know, think I'm something I'm not. And weak is not something I am anymore. I might have been, but not anymore.

Anyways, lets just hope that this manual therapy stuff is going to help. Because there's only so much constent pain a girl can take. Or any other living thing for that matter.

aching

So today work wasn't that great for one reason and one reason only. I couldn't really do my job. The reason for that is that my back hurt like hell. I loot two painkillers and all they did was make me sleepy. They didnt take any pain from my back at all. I spend the day putting stickers on almost every article in the store with the new sales-price on it. And still I had too many customers today asking me if the price on the orange stickers was the new price. Well they could bloody hell see me putting them on the article, "Well no miss, thats this is the old price I'm sticking on everything". People can be so stupid.

Thank God Peter was there to do my job. I swear I couldn't even lift one single clothingpiece without feeling pain shooting through my back and shoulders.

But after work I went to Ruben, one of my best friends, and he helped most of the pain away. He spend a long time playing masseuse and it helped. Well for a while. Right under my shoulderblades still hurt and felt swollen and in a great big knot. But the rest was gone. Especially the pain in my lower back was relieved and that means I can maybe get some sleep tonight. Most of my upperback still hurt like hell though.

Last night the pain in my back kept me awake for most of the night. I didn't really get to sleep till 4 am. I was dozing in and out of sleep for 3 hours before that. This morning my alarm went of at 7.30, so I was not that happy. But I did't dream about B. though. Plus point for insomnia.

Yesterday, on my way to the Mexx to shop I was called by my, now, new driving insturctor. My old instructor had stopped giving lessons because of his car defaulting so I was left without an instructor right around the point I could start my exams. So now my first lesson with this instructor is on Friday morning at 8 o'clock in the morning. Damn early. But I'll take about one lesson every two weeks, scedual a theory exame as soon as possible and than I could get my drivers license before heading to the states.

And today I came to the great and yet unnerving conclusion that my trip is only 2 and a half months away. Great because I really can't wait anymore and unnerving because I don't think I've really saved enough money yet. Oops... Hope that will turn out ok.

But seriously, I don't even care to much about how much money I can spend there. I just want to get there and see everyone again (or for the first time).

Counting the days...

dreaming of the past in the present

I was not sure if I wanted to post this or not. Because this can be read by the person concerning as well. But I need to get this off my chest and a way for me to do that is by writting about it. I mean, this blog is meant as my diary, so why not.

About right after I split up with my ex-boyfriend B. I started with the shit around Mcdreamy. I never really took the time to really get over B. I just pressed my feelings with the new feelings for Mcdreamy. This could also be why I hung onto it for so long. I need to have the dreams about him, because love can only be overcome by love. B. was a great guy. A boy you could build on and depend on. Someone who will treat you with tenderness and respect. But he wasn't a man as I needed one. He was a boy. He never really took charge or talked back and that was what I needed and it still is what I need. I need someone who loves me but is not to afraid to handle me with a little less care. He was just a little to sweet and to closed off from his own feelings to ever really get mine and see that I needed him to be more assertive in our relationship.

Still I was with him for more than 2 and a half years. 2 and a half very happy years, but also frustrating ones.

Sunday we started putting up the christmas decoration here in house. I came across B.'s stocking with his name on it that for 2 years long had hung by our chimney with care. I felt miserable. I started looking back on what we had and found that I missed it. I cast those thoughts away right after though.

But at night the dreams come and come morning I always remeber the ones I want to forget. My dream that night was ofcourse about B. and about us getting back together. It was still a working progress in that dream though.

Last night I had another dream. B. and I had slept together and were going to get back together. I was happy about it at first eventhough (sorry) the sex wasn't that great. It was again to sweet. But in the same dream I started thinking about the things B. lacked that I needed in a man and felt miserable yet again. I had slept with him, he was overjoyed by it and I was having second thoughts. I had a big knot in my stomach when I woke up this morning. I just feel really confused by it all. Why all of the sudden have these dreams and mixed feelings again. It was like the end of our relationship again. The confusion and not knowing exactly what I want. It has been over for more than 5 months now, so how come I have these feelings now and not before.

I decided not to think about it to much, which is really hard for me to do and I kept myself busy decoration my own room. I haven't really had a christmas feeling yet this year and hoped that decorating my room and listening to Mariah Carey's christmas cd would help. Then I heard the song 'Miss you most' :


"I miss you,
Most at christmas time,
And I can't get you,
Get you off my mind,
Every other season comes along and I'm alright,
But then I miss you most at christmas time."


That could be it. You always miss people more come christmas. Its that time of year that you look back on your past year and you always find something you miss. Maybe it's a bit of fear in me, fear of being alone with the holidays (eventhough I'm a very independant person). Maybe it's regret of letting him go. Or maybe it's just processing and giving everything a place. And then again, maybe it's missing the feeling of being loved and needed. And thats a feeling everyone needs. Especially when you've been over-working yourself and the holidays are nearing.

I don't know what these dreams mean and why I'm having them. I didn't think I still had anything from my past relationship to process. But then again, I never really gave myself time to process. I went from B. to Mcdreamy and now that the Mcdreamy situation is sorted I don't have anything or anyone else to focuss on and thats when you're feelings take over.

Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again. When my only worry was how many gifts I was going to get under the tree and if one of those gifts would be a new Barbie. When the only people I knew to love were my family and when guys weren't a issue yet. When my thoughts and feelings were still simple and uncomplicated. When live was still easy and mama and papa were the ones who could and would fix your problems.

But there's no going back to those times. All I can do now is keep myself busy till the next guy comes along for the next heartbreak. So off to the Mexx I am to buy cloths! Best therapy in the world.

pre-sale, the day after

So yesterday was the day I have been dreading for the past few weeks. But it wasn't that bad at all. It was nothing like the summer pre-sale. It was busy of course, it was more busy than the regular saturday or thursday-evening. But not as busy as with the summer pre-sale. It must have been the weather that kept people away. It was raining cats and dogs yesterday, the whole day.
But it was still hard work though. Yesterday afternoon as soon as we opened I started on getting as much as possible in the shelves and on the racks. And that's a lot. After just one hour of work I was already sweating, my back hurt more than it had done the last few weeks and my feet where killing me. I'm telling you, making sure that there's enough in the store all by yourself is not a pleasant thing. It gave me stress like I've never had it. A regular race against time. That's why I was owh so happy that Peter started early. He came at 3.30 pm and that way we got everything done on time.
Together we went to get the food we had ordered by the snackbar, de Vork, and had the unpleasant surprize of hearing the food wasn't done on time. It was supposed to be ready at a quarter to six. Instead we didn't leave there till 6.05 so we weren't by the store again till 6.10, which gave us all 20 minutes to eat.

And as expected there was a line outside the door when we walked back into the store at 6.30. But I must say, that night. It was hard work, no minute of rest and only running around trying to sell as much as possible, I loved it. It was like on big party, we had food, drink and everyone was in good spirits.

Tonight there's another one of these nights. Just this time, I'm going to be a customer.

pre-sale

Just a short note so certain friends of mine dont think I've lost the fun in writting things here haha.
Well I had that talk with mcdreamy and he's answerd all, if not most of my quistions. And it helped. I just needed that closure and I must say that I haven't had a dream about him since then. Instead I've had lovely dreams about shoes. And all is well in this world haha.I don't want to bother myself with the subject of him and what might or might not have been between us, so I won't, as of now!

Now I just have to get through tomorrow. A dreaded day at work. First I had to start earlier, at 9.30 instead of at 1 pm like every other monday (stores don't open till then here in Holland). But now I've heard that it's 1 pm anyways. But still that doesn't take away from the fact that it's going to be a hell of a long, hard day. Maybe not even that long, but hard. Tomorrow the pre-sale starts for all our regular customors. Almost everything in the store for half price. I work till 6 pm and then we sit down and eat for an half an hour and then the drama starts. I've been through it once before and it's not that much fun.
At 6.30 the doors open and usually the customers are already lined up outside the door waiting fo them to open. The store will be full within minutes and then the madness starts. People become animals. They will take all our hard work of making the store neat and distroy it within seconds. Cloths will be lying everywhere. Pretty much will be gone within an half an hour. People pull things out of eachothers arms and race eachother for the good sizes. And we, as helpfull sales-people have to try to keep the order and help as many people as possible with what they are looking for. This is suposed to last till 9.30. But this is never true. By the time the lines by the dressingrooms and cashregisters have been worked away we still have to tidy up the store, which will look like a bomb went of. Last year I didn't get home till nearly 12 o'clock. Thank god for my free tuesday.That's when another one of these nights is. Just then, I myself will be a customer. But I'll, ofcourse, behave as rationaly as possible ;).

Well better get myself into bed and prepare myself for a hard days work tomorrow.

Mcdreamy

I'm sure most of you know the series Grey's Anatomy. And you all know the situation with her and Dereck. Well, I to have a Mcdreamy. We flirted excessively a couple of months ao and he said he was going to leave his girlfriend and try it with me. It was more than the usual flirt. He broke up with her alright, but he went back to her as well. Without so much as telling me by the way. We never really talked about it anymore and this left me with a lot of questions. He knows I want to talk to him though and we soon will if he cares even a bit about me and my feelings.

But last night I had a dream. And not my usual dreams about us being together. But a dream like reality. We were just friends in a weird situation but trying to make the best of it. A sort of a weird tension between us but ignoring it because his girlfriend is there and isn't aloud to know. Which ofcourse I thought was wrong of him. He should have told her before they started dating again.
But anyways, this dream is progress. It's a sure step to the end of self-torture over this. Because hoping for something more than being friends is useless. He went back to her and it doesn't matter how much in love with him I am. He is not in love with me and that is starting to really sink in. There's no use hoping for a happy ending. I don't even think one is possible with him anyways. And besides, they're moving in together within a half year or something. I can't compete with that. I can't compete with there feelings for eachother. But you know what. I don't have to. There are plenty of guys out there that would be way better for me than Mcdreamy!

expectations

So, today I got to talk to my Grandpa again. We should call more often but it's never just to say hi. I mean, there's such a distance between us and him that whenever you get the chance to talk it's never just a short conversation. I was so glad to talk to him again though. It gave me a chance to ask him about some things for my trip over there as well. (Becasue as you could have guessed, my Grandpa lives in Utah, USA). My first question was ofcourse about the weather. So were my second and third... It's going to be cold when I get there. My first stop in the second week of March will be in Tennessee and it's still going to be winter there. Like cold. But then after 2 weeks I travel to Salt Lake City and there it's going to be freezing!!! I hate cold. So thankfully I'm headed to California after that and yoou know what they say, Sunny California. sunny is the word I like to hear.

Last night I was at a party with a friend of mine (Ruben). It was from his work. I got talking with this guy there that has lived in Austin, Texas for 2 years. Then he had to head back because of his visa ending. But he wants to move back there and said I was welcom to visit with him when I'm in the states. But ofcourse it all depends on my fonds. I mean, Texas isn't that far of from Tennessee. Well ok it is, but it's sort of half way to Utah. Anyways, I'll have to see. It would be great seeing more of country but if he's going to live there I can always visit him and see Austin (the city, not to be confused with my little cousin Austin who lives in California).

Anyways, I've been thinking about my trip alot and I must say it exites me yet scares the hell out of me as well because it's so near alreday. I've been waiting for this for 2 years. I had all these plans for 2 years already and been thinking about it before that already, but never reall plans. And now it's almost here. Just 4 more months!!! And December is always over before you know it. Aspecially now because of my job. I'll be working a hell of a lot this month. And next to the job by the Mexx I also have a part-time job by 't Kannetje, a restaurant in the city as waitress. But that job hasn't started yet. I just had a trialday last tuesday and eventhough I have no experience at all they said they want to hire me. So this means extra money!!!

But ofcourse there is always something going wrong so here's that news. My little sister has some healthproblems. She found a lump. Probably not very serieus, but they have some test they want to do on her to make sure that there's really nothing life-threatning going on. And next to that she also has to go to a dietician because of severe allergical reactions to apples, nuts, pets and lots more. Tomorrow she has to go back to the hospital for the lump. If nothing comes out of these tests she's in the clear. Otherwise... I don't think it really can be anything. I mean the kid is only 15. But you never know.

Well time to go to sleep. Because the time it says I posted this is not my time. It's the US time which is 8 hours early on our time here in Holland. So it's almost 1 am and I got work tomorrow.

Good night folks

frustration

Why are guys so difficult. What is so hard about talking things out. Why do they never realize you want to talk about things. And I don't even have a boyfriend. Just your friends can give you hell with this kind of thing.

I get that it's hard to talk about some things. Especially when it has to be in secret. But not talking about it is so much harder. You can only avoid confrontation for so long before it drives you mad!!! And I can tell ya, I hate feeling like crap and not talking about it doesnt help me put things in perspective. That's what I need to do, put things in perspective. But in order to do that I need to talk about it, with HIM.

He's made it clear that he knows this much, so why the hell not act on it!!! How long avoid the confrontation not only with me but mostly with himself. He probably doesn't even dare confront himself about the fact that he doesn't confront himself and avoids any confrontation all together.

(sigh)

Glad I got that out...

Now let me at him. I'm on a roll here!

college...

So, today I went to the orientationday at my soon to be school again. I went there with a colleague of mine. His name is Peter. So last night I set my alarm for 7 o'clock. But this morning the snooze-button looked so damn appealling that I pressed it again and again and again and again. So by the time I really got myself up and out of bed it was 7.40 and time to hurry the hell up. I'm telling you, that snooze-button is the heavenly hell. I left the house dressed and stressed at 8.00. I had just 8 minutes to walk to the trainstation (thank God only a 2 minute walk), buy my ticket and get to the right platform. I made it. I was there and waiting by 8.07, and then the damn train doesn't come in till 8.12. They were late (and not me, that's a first) and in such a hurry that they gave us less that 30 secondes to get into the train. Which meant that the doors almost closed on me. Not meaning that they closed in front of my face, but meaning that I had one foot in and one foot out when the doors were closing. Great way to start the day.But it turned out alright. By 8.16 I was on central and had to wait about 15 minutes for Peter. He was there at 8.30 as well, so we sat down for a cup of coffee in the Coffee-Lounge where he also works untill 9.05. Because our next train, to Deventer, would leave at 9.10. We made that no problem and settled down with our oversized cookie and Latte machiatto to go.
The orientation day it self was ok. We had some quistions answerd, made some notes and it was time for me to decide if this was really what I wanted to do. I mean, I had visited these days before, for the same exact study. But now I really have to apply for the school. It's scarry though. I mean, I won't start the studie till after my trip to America, so it's already saying, I'm most definatly coming back. Which I'm not even sure of. I probably will, but you never know.
Anyways, the study I'm looking into is called Lifestyle Advisor. This means that I'll be studying interial and exterial desinging and (moslty) styling. It's almost the same as Interial Architecture but than without the math. (I am not good at math!) We got back from Deventer around 13.30. But my train to the station Schothorst didn't show up so I ended up waiting till 14.20 for the next train. But I got alot out of this day and now know with about 98% of my being that this is probably the study I want to do (There's always doubt with futur things).

Peter doesn't know what he wanst to do yet though. This study or none at all. The thing stopping him... the costs. It is a hell of a expencive study. It's because they don't get any substitution from the government that they ask about 2900 euro's college fonds a year. Next to this there are also still the costs form books and the many axcursions they make. But it will (hopefully) be well worth it.

So time to really fill out these forms that are lying here. Waiting for me to fill them in and commit myself completly to going back to school. No more working by the Mexx, no more working full-time at all. Just the 2 long days of class, the internships and working part-time to be able to have a life as well.

here goes nothing...

The trip

So, today I started this blog. The reason for that is very simple. I am headed for the United States of America in a couple of months and this will be my way of updating everyone I know and love of my situation.

Even though I live in Holland I have ties with the states. My mother was born and raised there and all my family from my mothers side is still there. So I dicided to take a gapyear and visit with them for 3 months.

I'll be starting my trip in Tennessee by my second cousine. I'll be there for 2 weeks. Then I'll be taking the train to Salt Lake City, Utah and visit with my grandpa. I'll be there for about 10 days. My last 2 months I'll be staying with my aunt in San Diego, California. I can't wait. For me California is the place to be. Eventhough I've never even been there before.

Last year I graduated from High School and decided to take the gapyear. I couldn't have make a better decision. I started working in the fashionstore Mexx right after my exams. It was pretty sure I would make it anyways. After working there for a couple of months I had saved enough money for my plane ticket. I booked my ticket on the 23e of october.
About a week later I told my boss of my travel plans. I said I would be leaving in March. They didn't like this news. They didn't want to lose me as a imployer. Which of course gave the nice feeling of being valued. But they were and still are happy for me. eventhough they still sometimes try to make me change my mind. But there's no use. When / if I get back from America I'll be starting the study of Lifestyle Advisor and won't be able to work there then either. I am sad to leave there though. But this trip will be great for me.

The only thing I'm worried about is becoming homesick. 3 months is a long time to be away of everything you know and love. But then again... I'll be with my family in the United States of America. Which is exactly what I want.