GoodB.ye

I just had my going away party. As a mather of fact it just ended 10 minutes ago. That's when the last people left. The last people of course being RB, B. and Rupert. But also B.'s little brother Rob was one of the last to leave.

It was harder for me to say goodbye to some people, than it was to say goodbye to others. I kept hugging Hester and Sugeey. They are really good friends of mine and definatly ones I'm going to miss alot. And RB and B. are always a laugh. I'll definatly miss them too. Aspecially B. You all know he's my ex by now. And Friday evening after a birthdayparty we had a sort of talk about how we felt now that it was over between us. In my opinion a conversation that should have taken place way earlier. But then again, maybe this was a little to early. I was just last week and we sort of both said the same thing. Sometimes we think the break-up was tyhe right thing to do and other times we feel like shit, to say the least. I really miss him sometimes and dream about him and me together again as well. But then often I wake up and think about how silly the dream was. No sence in pondering over a dream right...?
But tonight, as we said goodbye. He hugged me, and he held me so tight. And all I wanted was never to let go again. We let eachother out of the tight grip though and looked into eachothers eyes as we said the words of parting and I swear, it took all the strenght I had not to kiss him. Then he held me tight again and it felt so right, so save. But the timing couldn't be worse. I'm levaing for America in just over 24 hours. And this fact could be the only thing really between us right now. I mean, it's the knowing that I'll be gone for so long that can make you see what you're going to miss. You don't know what you had till you lose it. And maybe me feeling things for him, sure there're feelings for him still, but maybe they are only magnified by the prospect of leaving.
Leaving, taking a trip, moving on it all starts with a single step. But that first step is always the hardest to make. Because right before you take that step, you step a little closer to what you're leaving behind and that's when you see it at it's best.
And right now, all I know is that that hugg, that B. and I shared, felt like a thousand words. It felt so good. His embrasse is still the one that can make me forget all about my worries and drive away all my fears.
But right after he left, I wa sin tears. And for one simple reason. He left. I won't be seeing him for 3 months. And maybe that's what we need. Maybe this is what we always needed. Or to move on or to get back together. This time apart can't do anything but help us figure that out. Because right now, I don't know anymore. I haven't really known since a month before we broke up. I don't know if we are right for eachother or not, if we belong together. If the love for him I'm feeling is a reall one or just a strong feeling of liking. I almost wanted to say that I wondered if I ever really did love him. But that's not a question I can ask myself without getting mad at myself. Because the answer is clear and out there for everyone to see. I loved him with all my herat, and he loved me. We just both got a little side-tracked.

But like a said in a previous post... Taking this trip will help me gain perspective on my life here. Will help me put all my feelings about the people here, and my life here into place.

And if B. and I are meant to be, it will be. First we both just need freedom and time to grow up a little more, see new things and have new experiences. Really find out what we want in life and what we want in love. And if we come back together then, we'll know it's right and if we decide not to, we can still stay friends.

I do feel really weird about levaing now though. It's really starting to sink in. I've said goodbye to most people already and everything is packed and I'm actually all ready to go. Except for the fact that I still have a teribble cold. And all these people I said goodbye to tonight. These are the ones that will still be there when I get back. Especially B., as friend or as more, I'll see when I get back.

The really weird thing about this post now, is that everyone at the party has my blogadress now and B. can read this too. But it's a bit to long not to post now. Do have some great ideas for poems now though, so got to go.