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I've been back in Holland for 4 days now. Today is the fifth day. I landed at Schiphol at the early hour of 8 am on Saturday.

My last night in San Diego was great. Dave, Cale and I went to a party in OB from a friend from work (the boat). I got to see almost everybody there again. One last time I guess. Got way too drunk on wine and that means I think everything is funny and I become very honest. Didn't say or do anything too embarrassing though. Later Rhi came and joined us at the party. She left early with Cale though. She had been working all day and had to work again the next day after dropping me off at the airport at 4 am. I went home with Ashley and Dave around 12.30. Ashely being the designated driver. She dropped us off at Dave's house and then took off so Dave and I could still hang out one last time before I left.
I was glad I had set my alarm for 3 am though, cause we both fell asleep on the couch after a while. I had been planning to just stay up, but alcohol wouldn't let me...

Dave drove me the 6 blocks to the house and we said our goodbyes. Actually, he wouldn't let me say goodbye. It was a 'see you when you get back'. It helped me that he said it wasn't a goodbye. For one I hate goodbye's and it helps me to remember those words so I don't get to sad and depressed here.
I stepped out of the car and walked to the house. Dave drove off, but I didn't dare look back. Looking back would make it a goodbye for some reason. Cale and Rhi were still in bed, so I sat down on the couch and broke down... again...
Rhi woke up because of the dogs barking cause I had gotten home and asked me if I was ok. Maybe it was best for me just to take a shower real quick. I still had 45 minutes till I had to leave. I freshened up and by the time I was done, it was 4 am and time to leave for the airport.
I knelt down beside the two dogs as Cale loaded up my suitcases in the car. I had to tell them I was leaving. Rhi told me how much they had missed me when I went to LA and I wanted them to understand I wasn't coming back soon. (Still Rhiannon told me a couple of days later that Niko was looking for me in my room...I'm sorry Niko).

We drove to the airport. I was numb. Didn't want to believe I really had to go. Kept hoping I had mistaken in the dates and I had a couple more days, or a couple more hours even. Anything....

They dropped me off at the airport and we learned that they weren't even aloud to go inside because the check in desk was right there. So we said goodbye there and I promised to be back as soon as possible.

There I was, alone at the airport. Thank god the check in line wasn't to long and right after checking in they started boarding the plane. So I didn't have enough time to break down again and cry again. And I sure as hell wasn't going to cry in public. Not alone at an airport.

My first stop would be in Denver, Colorado. It was a small plane I was in and there was a lot of turbulence during the flight. Which is great when not only am I afraid of flying. But I didn't even want to leave and sit in that damn plane. We had left a little later because of a storm over Iowa though and so when I landed in Washington DC about 1.5 hours late. This meant I only had 30 minutes to catch my next plane. So glad my suitcases went to the next flight automatically. Still had to run to board the damn plane on time. Again a flight with a whole lot of turbulence, this time to Holland itself. It seemed like the longest flight in my life. Thank god there was a nice man sitting next to me who distracted me wit a whole lotta stories. Any other time I would have thought him to be very annoying seeing as in he never shut up. But on this flight I needed it to stop myself from crying.

Because really, I was sad already, but as soon as I was on that last flight and I knew I would be leaving the States I seriously panicked. All I wanted was for the plane to turn around and go back. This last flight made it all real. No turning back. And I didn't even want to leave. I felt my heart drop to the ground. I left a part of my heart there in San Diego and now I'm left with a hollow feeling in my chest.

When we were nearing Schiphol with the plane I knew I couldn't hold back my tears much longer. I kept talking to the guy, Ross, next to me so I had a distraction. But as soon as we were aloud to leave the plane, I ran for the nearest bathroom and cried for a half an hour in the toilet cubicle.

I could have cried forever in there, but I gathered myself and freshened up. I had to get my bags and see my parents again. And I really wanted to see my parents again. I just wish they could have seen me as I was in SD. Even my sister said she had never seen me smile as much as she had seen me smile in America.

I got my suitcases and then walked out to the arrival-hall. There my parents were and my little sister, god how she has grown. She's almost taller then me now. And she's so beautiful. I hugged my mom and then Savvy and then my dad. A few tears dropped, but I whipped them away quickly.

We sat down somewhere for some breakfast, tea/coffee and a cigarette (everyone except my mom smokes, how bad is that). By the time we had finished our breakfast they announced that my sisters plane had been 3 hours delayed. No way in hell were we waiting around for that. So my dad dropped us off at home to later go back and pick Shardae and Mark up at the airport. I went upstairs as soon as possible. During the car-drive to the house it completely hit me that I was in Holland know and that it wouldn't be that easy for me to get back. So in my room I had another panic attack. I wanted to call Rhi, but had no more minutes and my American phone has no service here. So I settled for sending her an email. Or two actually.

Now a couple of days later I have no more tears to cry. All I have been doing since I got back is look for a job (so I can save money to get out there again) and sit behind the computer (looking for ways to get back there as soon as possible, permanently). Yes ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to be moving to the States in about two years.

Just so we're all clear, it has nothing to do with how my life in Holland is. Because I do have a really good and nice life here. But I can not picture my future here. And home is where the heart lies. And mine has always been in San Diego. I found it there and I left it there when I came back. Now, it's up to me to find my own happiness. And I know that my true happiness can be found there.

Like I told my mom, I'd rather be struggling in San Diego and yet be happy and feel at home and be understood. Then be in Holland with an ok life and financial situation but not be truly happy because I don't feel like this is were I belong and fit in.
Cause let's all admit it folks. I don't really fit in in Holland. I do love all my friends here and my family. But this life isn't satisfying for me.

So even though my trip to the States is over and the reason for this weblog. I'm going to keep it going for round two. My biggest adventure yet to come...